Look, am I a big Sam Levinson fan? Not really. (While we’re discussing him, let’s put some respect on the good name of The Idol’s Jocelyn and her certified bop “World Class Sinner/I’m a Freak”). Have I nevertheless been counting down the moments until the Season 3 premiere of his HBO series Euphoria? Indubitably.
Below, find quite literally every thought I had about Season 3, Episode 1 of Euphoria—puppy play and all:
- Hey, it’s Zendaya! My extremely complicated friend from The Drama!
- An indeterminate number of years have passed since high school, and Rue’s running drugs in Mexico.
- These guys helping her get her car moving seem nice, at least!
- Ah, the irresponsibly-driving-to-loud-music fist-pump. I know it well.
- Car plus fence seems like…dangerous math, to me.
- Diva, be careful!
- Okay, she worked that out. Let’s hear it for women in STEM!
- Who’s this polite child in a pinafore?
- Raw milk mentioned!
- Sorry…Rue’s posing as a college newspaper reporter writing about immigration at the border?
- To stay with a trad Christian family?
- What the hell, sure.
- All these girls look like they’re wearing Batsheva.
- “I’ve never been on the internet.”
- Would that I could say the same, Daisy!
- Clearly, Rue agrees with me.
- This is all giving the movie Unpregnant…which stars Barbie Ferreira…whom I deeply miss on Euphoria. It’s all connected!
- I’m scared of Laurie.
- Oh, Rue.
- I want better than “bodypacking” for you.
- Hey, it’s Faye!
- This is more gagging and vomiting than I strictly need to see on my TV, thanks.
- Okay, I really hope this house has more than one spaghetti strainer.
- “He wants to get into avocados.”
- Hey, that was the church right by my house in Hollywood!
- I love to live where the action is.
- Rue putting on her lesbionic little cargo shorts and going to visit Lexi makes me so happy.
- Lexi would have an AI rant locked and loaded.
- God, I love that girl.
- Although I do think she could stand to lighten up on the lip liner.
- Ah, blue-haired pronoun-havers snapping their fingers in agreement…likely thing for Sam Levinson to excitedly skewer.
- Cassie………………………
- Bottega Boy Nate Jacobs is home, and the vibes are immediately rancid.
- “I’m just creating content.”
- Tea, Cassie.
- When men complain about there being dishes in the sink, it’s like…are your hands broken?
- “I am in the real world, making deals.” Oh, for sure.
- “I’m the doggie” feels spiritually linked to Shoshanna from Girls saying “Obvi, we’re the ladies.”
- I know it’s been mentioned before, but this being the second time this year that Jacob Elordi’s onscreen partner has engaged in puppy play is crazy stuff.
- Not this Nate/Cassie wedding pitch dek!
- Ice luges are expensive, it’s true.
- Is OnlyFans making money from this name-check?
- Okay, I am rabidly curious to hear what’s up with Jules.
- Sugaring, eh?
- MADDY!
- The open shirt over a black bra…the tossed-off bon mots…Madigans, we are so back.
- Oh, Lexi/Lisa, as an Emma who’s been called “Emily” one too many times, I see you.
- Why would anyone ever subject themselves to the horrors of a treadmill desk?
- “Stop pouting, you’re getting paid $50,000 to watch a movie” is very me recapping You, Me & Tuscany in the middle of a workday.
- Vintage Euphoria moment: Rue doing step work with Ali in a diner.
- Rue the Christian convert?
- Again: what the hell, sure.
- My dog does not like the sound of this other dog whimpering (although, strangely, he was fine with Cassie’s puppy play; guess it lacked verisimilitude!).
- New girlfriend arc for Rue?
- Or…sex trafficker arc for Rue?
- Love to see our girl having fun with other girls!
- This cowboy-hat-wearing guy does not, though, it appears.
- Oh, okay, he’s not a pimp, he just owns strip clubs (I think).
- And Rue’s going to be his protégé?
- Kind of love this for her.
- Hope she helps the dancers unionize!
- God, the heat with which I hate Nate.
- Cassie is so Megan Draper-coded for making her man spaghetti.
- Not “I didn’t wait my entire life to have a ghetto wedding”…
- I mean, definitely leave his ass, Cassie, but not necessarily for this reason.
- This is such an accurate portrait of sociopathic, handsome white men who work in “real-estate development” in Southern California.
- Oh, Christ, did this girl just OD?
- Well, that was an episode of television. Can’t wait for next Sunday!
