“Queering the Country Club” Was the Theme for This Rainy Day Wedding in Connecticut

Aside from toile rolling papers, they weren’t interested in buying new. “KB is a voracious thrifter and antiquer,” Lily explains, and “there is gorgeous craft everywhere to be found in the bloated detritus of American consumption.” They spent a day on their host’s back patio polishing KB’s collectsion of estate sale silver with Lily’s drill extension hack, and many more making the most of their magpie instincts. “One of KB’s hobbies is mud larking, which is essentially looking for tiny tokens of civilization on the banks of a river, and through this practice, she found 100 pieces of waterworn ceramics to use as the place cards for our tables—she even hand painted the names,” says Lily. “Those plates were tumbling at the bottom of the Hudson and never thought they would be at a beautiful table again!” For the table numbers, “we decided to risk it all and use our most valuable artwork: Catherine Opie’s Dyke Deck,” she shares. “It’s a deck of playing cards from 1996 that Opie created for the Museum of Contemporary Art Los Angeles that features portraits of Opie’s queer community in humorous roleplay. We took all the numbered cards and displayed them on the tables. Our table was the Queen’s table, of course.” (They were grateful that the full set ultimately made it home safely.)

“Have the Occasion” was the dress code directive sent to guests as “a glamorous way to say, ‘You better use this opportunity!’” says KB. “We created a mood board that included poet Gertrude Stein with her poodle, Basket, at Pierre Balmain’s 1945 couture debut; disco legend Sylvester–“You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)”—blowing smoke in a floral off-the-shoulder gown; and a group photo from Le Monocle, a Parisian lesbian club open during the 1920s and ’30s.” Rather than a traditional wedding planner, they brought on an experiential producer, C. O’Neil Productions, to handle all the details—such as enlisting Libby Willis as the chef, and soliciting the help of friends and chosen family within KB and Lily’s community as vendors. The artist Sophia Narrett, who was planning her own wedding at the same time, was always available via text as a “sister bride in shared delusion” for going over inventory and thrifted finds—even from Narrett’s own mother, who surprised the couple with a full set of silver Champagne coupes that held Erdy’s flower arrangements throughout the space.

The couple planned to have silver everywhere, though the custom jewelry pieces were the newest in the mix. “Lily is a metal sculptor, and she made me a thin silver band crown with three pearls from a broken necklace that belonged to my grandmother,” says KB. “She gave it to me on my birthday! And then she made her own wedding band with the same silver punch pattern as my crown.” There were also some heirloom “Ls” floating around. “My grandmothers were Elizabeth ‘Liz’ and Leanora, and Lily’s paternal grandmother was Lydia,” says KB. “I was named after a Great Aunt Katherine, and my mother held onto her wedding band. So, we worked with Spur Cheap Replica Handbags again to make mine from hers.” A single Lily was an obvious choice for KB’s bouquet, which she says was inspired by Chloë Sevigny’s ribbon-streamed Calla lily wedding flowers. “Kit used an antique red velvet ribbon that matched my coral and pearl earrings that Giedre Kose of Anchovy jewelry made for me in silver,” she says. And the library trips paid off here as well. “One of the books Lily and I read together was a history of Wedgwood,” says KB. “I found a vintage diamond-shaped Wedgwood ring with a small emblem of Diana the Huntress. In the mythologies of virginal women living with each other in the woods free from men, one really can assume…”

Meanwhile, KB’s childhood friend Nicholas Aburn—a senior designer at a couture house in Paris—brought her wedding looks to life. “KB had the fun idea to wear a vintage-style hostess gown. Immediately, I thought of that kind of pillowy sixties couture-marshmallow gazar and crepe mounted on canvas,” says Aburn. “We found an amazing suiting with a yarn twisted like organza that gave amazing body.” He adds that Vincent Smith at workshop108 realized the look, which was fully canvased and largely handsewn, with a swung-back neckline delicately held by a tulle tank top for a result that balanced tailoring with eveningwear. “Not wanting the look to be too sober, we brought some physical and emotional texture to the trousers,” says Aburn. “Katherine and I have always enjoyed foraging for old things, and in our hometown in Maryland we found these antique embroidered tablecloths.” Aburn worked with the digitized pattern to patchwork the pieces through photos before cutting into the material, and the atelier filled in the embroidery, carefully matching the old style of workmanship.

For suiting, “I had a lot of catching up to do in envisioning our wedding overall,” Lily shares. “Before meeting KB, my inspiration was tied to fleeting suit trends that no longer resonated with me. All I knew was what I didn’t want: the plain men’s tuxedo seen everywhere.” Online searches weren’t especially fruitful when it came to finding something both androgynous and unexpected, but an appointment with stylist Mary Murray at Ralph Lauren on Madison Avenue ended up exceeding all her expectations. “It was the first and last place I went,” says Lily. “Ralph knows how to make an excellent suit for women. I was initially amused when I saw the black tailcoat and wingtip tuxedo shirt hanging on the rack, picturing myself dressed like Franz Schubert at the piano, but when I saw myself in the mirror, I felt simultaneously pretty and handsome (I look quite pretty!). I swept the tails dramatically, envisioning myself at a Steinway, and the classical nature of the attire, enduring for centuries, won me over.” Paired with Swarovski crystal-embellished Calvin Klein boots, “it successfully replaced past visions,” Lily says, crediting Jake Wiseman for adding “the flairs” including a crystal clip and turquoise-silver jewelry from her late father. “With my complexion, the final look couldn’t stray far from ‘sexy vampire prince,’” she jokes. “And that delivered exactly what I wanted.”

On the day of the wedding, KB and Lily got ready together. Hairstylist Sera Sloane had already given the couple cuts “that would grow out perfectly for the wedding,” says KB. “The beauty of her technique is that there’s no such thing as a hair out of place: Her haircuts just have every strand in a state of belonging.” Despite their meticulously detailed planning, there was still room left for a few surprises. “Nicholas revealed to me that his husband, Jake Wiseman, created a custom label in the pants and jacket: white embroidery on white silk that read N. Aburn for KBO (my married initials, Katherine Bernard Olsen),” says KB. “Somehow, the incredible talent and loving outpouring didn’t stop there. Jake, who is the design director of leather goods for Givenchy, made me a tiny micro pearl version of the Cut Out bag, just big enough for a hankie, a lipstick, and a toile paper joint.” Aburn’s second look consisted of an asymmetrical top he hand-sewed from antique trim and ribbons—and a late-night afterparty offered the opportunity for a third costume change. “Last minute, I bought a PVC-covered white eyelet raincoat from Raf Simons for Calvin Klein 205W39NYC on The Real Real in case I, well, needed a raincoat during the weekend of tropical storming,” says KB.

And rain it did, thanks to Tropical Storm Ophelia—though being indoors made for an intimate ceremony with plenty of glamorous umbrella-obscured fashion entrances. “Guests came out of the rain and were given a glass of Vivanterre sparkling wine, then proceeded through a blue velvet curtain into the ceremony space, where our friends DJs Of Your Persuasion (hairpin drop: Of Your Persuasion was a past way to allude to queerness) played a mix inspired by Lilith Fair,” says KB. To welcome the couple down the aisle, “our only formalized role was our flower boy, Lily’s nephew Jackson Rauh,” KB shares. “We were lucky the artist Alyssa Goodman, whose frequent medium is seashells, released a small collectsion of painted vintage children’s clothes around the time we were looking. We snagged one: a vintage Oscar de la Renta ruffled kids shirt with a one-of-a-kind blue-and-white landscape painted on both sides.” Carrying an antique woven bird basket, he dropped rose petals with rose petals.

To the sounds of “Anywhere Is” by Enya, the couple walked down the aisle together, and their “hilarious and generous” friend and podcast producer Jenna Weiss-Berman officiated the ceremony. “This will embarrass her, but we consider her a role model of queer family making, attunement with her community, and deep thoughtfulness,” says KB. “We had a Jewish-ish ceremony, and Jenna wrote seven blessings sprinkled with reflections she collectsed from our friends. She wore a priest’s collar and a Star of David necklace with a tuxedo jacket by Willie Norris for Outlier. Jenna’s wife, Kira Garcia, writes Shouts & Murmurs for The New Yorker, so the fact that she was giggling during the ceremony was a compliment for all involved (me, Lily, and Jenna).” The couple wrote their own vows and kept them secret ahead of the ceremony. “Time slowed down in that room, a half hour feeling like a beautiful stretch of quality time with friends and family,” says Lily. “The quiver of printed vows in our hands, unshed tears in our eyes conveyed the depth of our love for each other. It’s a surprising experience to be amongst 100 people and yet share moments where the only sounds we heard were each other’s voices, as though everyone else held their breath to allow us to have all the air we needed.”

There was meaning behind all of the birds in KB’s words. “Lily is obsessed with birds and grew up with a pet cockatiel named Hors d’oeuvre. She’s often said bird facts are most of what her brain retains, so I wed my vows to observations about cormorants, pigeons, screech owls, and chickens so she would always remember them. There were some birdy easter eggs in the wedding, too: our flower boy’s basket, my brother wore a vintage Valentino tie with ducks, there were two doves on the menus and programs, and our florist incorporated a chicken sculpture they found in the house into the tablescape. We let Libby have ‘artist’s choice’ for our cake design, and after I read my vows she whipped up a meringue swan!” For Lily’s vows, which were cheeky yet tender, she included a direct quote from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Erika Jayne: “Honey, it takes a gay village to look this good.” She also reminded KB and their guests of a first date where “emotionally unavailable” language soon led the couple to open up about shared dreams, while shedding plenty of tears. The last line of her vows, “I vow to be emotionally available to you, even when I say I’m not,” was a moment that KB says “summed up that our marriage was prearranged somewhere, somehow by the gay universe.”

After the ceremony, guests enjoyed cocktails and donned Willie Norris’s “Promote Homosexuality” enamel pins as they found their table numbers. “Libby’s foodscapes looked like they’d been painted into the scene by a Dutch master,” says KB. “If you ever went to MeMe’s Diner in Prospect Heights, you know how comforting, delectable and queer her cooking is. She stuffed little squashes, made absolutely perfect steelhead trout, and made braised beans so good that they were highlighted as an enthusiastic talking point of the entire evening. Beans! She’s a genius.” Rather than curtaining off the kitchen space, her cooking became a feature of the party. After dinner, there were toasts and a performance by Outcalls, a band made up of Lily’s sister, Britt Olsen-Ecker, and Melissa Wimbish, who performed songs including “Dreams” by The Cranberries and “Come to My Window” by Melissa Etheridge (the latter inspiring an impromptu singalong).

“We dressed up and got down on the dance floor to queer hits including but not limited to: ‘What’s Up?’ by 4 Non Blondes, ‘All The Things She Said’ by t.A.T.u., ‘Call Your Girlfriend’ by Robyn, ‘Immaterial’ by Sophie, and more,” says KB. “A unique moment we organized was the Hava Nagila being sung by our friends and family. To be launched to the heavens in chairs made from turned hardwood with the only music being the clapping and singing of our loved ones, it was an amazing way to celebrate and share one of the first modern folk songs in the Hebrew language.” After the dancing, “we all lounged on the leather couches and cow hides into the wee hours of the morning, and a dear friend of ours, Simone Thompson, passed around a vintage copy of On Our Backs, the first women-run erotica magazine as well as the first to feature imagery and words for a lesbian audience.”

Like any true party, a splash in the pool took place thanks to their friend Sam Wyer, who returned to the celebration sopping wet. “His silly smirk while standing in a puddle of water in the kitchen at 1 a.m. is an image we’ll carry with us forever,” says KB. One of Lily’s talented sculptor friends “made a personalized Loving Cup with our names, wedding date, and ‘Dykes’ written in gold lettering,” says KB. “It’s made with a skill and love that can only tell the tales of a lifetime of care.” Finally, the local fast food staple of Garden Catering provided an appropriately high-low late-night snack. “It’s the type of place where you men in Patagonia vests and women in Louboutins exit holding the greasiest paper bags you’ve ever seen,” says KB.

Now, living joyfully surrounded by the silver pieces and collectsion of objects from their wedding, KB and Lily are “happy we went in so hard”—and that they’ll never need to do it again. “The reason we wanted to have a wedding (and share it) was to create joyful imagery that could be a talisman of queer love and celebration,” says KB. “We wanted to douse everything in effortful meaning, because the efforts of all those who came before us mean so much.”